THE AMAZING BRACEGIRL!
A friend of mine recently and most unfortunately fell on her butt and broke her back. Well, not quite broken, but a fractured spine all the same. Which brought into my peripheral a new addition to our extended wardrobe – the sexy back brace.
And what a beautiful accessory it is. Hospital grey, with a lovely stainless steel trim and a white fluffy stability band that goes round your middle. It even come with it’s own alan-key, which slots into a nifty little holder on above-mentioned fluffy waistband. It really completes any outfit.
I suggested that we should perhaps brighten it up a little. Perhaps some sequins? A little bit of neon spraypaint? At least then, if she wonders onto a busy road in a drug- induced stupor, she’ll be visible in fog.
This particular friend is rather bullish, and likes to embark on ambitious little outings despite her doctor’s warning that she needs to stay at home and HEAL, for god’s sake. I may fit her sexy back brace with a tracking device which sets off an insufferable wailing alarm every time she leaves the vicinity of her house. Kind of like house arrest.
I’ve come up with a brilliant business initiative. I think I may start marketing standard issue hospital back braces to over-zealous parents as a means of contraceptive. Put your daughter in a back brace and she’ll be safe from the amorous advances of any hormonal man. Or woman. The tracking device will let them keep tabs on their little darlings. Brilliant. (I should never have children)
Perhaps I’ll work in conjunction with a company like Malice Clothing to produce a custom back brace range. They’ll be black and alternative-looking, of course, with a hardcore skull detail. Or a wonky spine print along the back stainless steel support. That way the emo girls will feel a little better wearing them out to Gandalf’s. They can even tell all their friends that they broke their back during a certain type of rowdy physical activity, if you know what I mean.
However, breaking your back is never fun. It can put a damper on the most enjoyable of everyday activities. Like picking an outfit. In fact, you can really wear whatever you want, you can’t really see it under all that back brace. It’s hard to appreciate the cut of a shirt if its squashed under all that steel. Not to mention that the back brace makes undergarments absolutely redundant. No bra’s necessary, with all that squashing going on. Shame.
I can steal her things now – she can’t chase after me anymore.
Tags: alternative, apparel, back brace, black, business, contraceptive, emo, gandalf's, initiative, Malice Clothing, neon, outfit, sequins, skull, spine, spraypaint
